Yes, No, Maybe – Advocating for yourself during the Holidays

Knowing when to say yes, to say no, to say your uncertain and to change your mind, can be very difficult for many of us.

If you are like me, and saying no to others and feeling as though you’ll disappoint them, makes your stomach tie up in knots – know you’re not alone. However, it’s a critical life skill required to successfully master life – especially when you’re grieving and navigating challenging times and events – like major Holidays.

Long before I became a widow, I learned that saying no to others, often times, meant I was actually saying yes to myself, my family and allowed me to put our families needs above the fear I had of disappointing others.

This article is written to those figuring out how to participate in the Holidays, while grieving a deep and intense loss.

Whether you are days, months or years into your grief journey, you will discover there are times when post loss life is just harder than what you have come to expect, and we don’t often know how to advocate for our own self care and mental health. This is where learning to say no can be incredibly beneficial.

Sadly, it’s not always other people we have to learn to say no to. Sometimes, we have to learn to say no to our own expectations of how we think we should be coping with our loss during these challenging times, and accept that we aren’t super bionic humans, void of mood changes, shifting feelings and lots of “ I don’t know what I want”!

However, to be able to confidently say no (to our expectations or others) we must first feel we have the right to do so, and that starts by accepting that what we feel is real and that it deserves to be respected. It is in those times, that we MUST speak our truth – GUILT FREE.

We know those who love us want what’s best for us – but let’s be honest – they aren’t mind readers. It is our responsibility to help them help us. We do this by being honest about what we can do right now, what we can’t engage in, and to share how we are feeling about the upcoming Holidays.

Let me start by prefacing that what may be difficult, if not gut wrenching, for one person, might very well be the thing that another person finds quite comforting. And this is why explaining what YOU are feeling and thinking is imperative!

Let’s say that celebrating the Holidays the way you have in the past makes you want to run and hide. It’s ok to accept that and determine what you think will work best for you and your immediate family, and then respectfully communicate that to those that will be impacted by your choices.

Here are some examples of things people have done differently.

They’ve taken a trip somewhere they’ve never been and stayed over the Holidays. This way there are no memories of the past that silently scream “They are GONE!!!!!!” 💔

Eaten at a different house than they traditionally have in the past. Sometimes, this small change can make a huge difference.

They made a different meal – one that doesn’t bring up all the feels. Or they decided not to make that special dish their loved one was crazy about. Food has a tricky way of bringing up all kinds of memories, and this year, maybe those memories are stirring up more pain than comfort.

Then what about all those shoulds you might be feeling.

You know – those you should:

Set a place for your person at the table

Visit their grave

Hang your special ornaments

Play certain songs

Put up their stocking

Continue long established family traditions

Except – you don’t want to – but feel others will be upset if you don’t.

OR

Maybe you feel exactly the opposite and all those things would bring you great comfort.

Only you can decide these things, and sometimes you only know by doing it and assessing how you felt afterwards. So don’t be afraid to do whatever feels right to you today.

Remember, adjustments can usually be made as you go – and it’s ok to change your mind. And just because you do one thing one year – doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever!

When Don died December 6th, I didn’t know what I would or wouldn’t want to do. I didn’t know if I wanted to decorate my tree or not. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see his stocking hanging above our mantle. I didn’t know if it would make me feel worse than I already felt. The answer? There was no way to know until I made a decision and acted on it.

I told myself before I started decorating – if it made me sick – I’d stop. It wouldn’t matter if half the tree was done, if I took every ornament I put on off, or if I decided to take the tree completely down. I could change my mind and that was ok!

Just knowing I had options made it easier to move forward with a specific task. At that time, I was really the only person whose feelings mattered. But 9.5 years earlier, when Greg died, I had two kids to consider when it came to how we did things during the Holidays, and that can get really sticky!!

What do you do when other people want to honor your loved one in a manner that you don’t want or like?

You don’t want to control them, but you also don’t want to feel obligated to engage in something that makes you feel like you’re dying inside (again).

My suggestion is to first accept that you are not the only one missing your person. Second, you have to be able to respect others needs, while remaining true to yourself and what feels right for you. You can give everyone the freedom to honor that person without judging, blaming or shaming them, just because you have different ways of expressing your love for the same person.

By stating your no, you said what made you uncomfortable and by doing that, you said yes to yourself.

Here is an example –

You have a family member (a child, brother, sister or even a parent) of your loved one who is pushing for things to go a way you don’t feel comfortable with. What do you do?

You state clearly and kindly what you will and won’t participate in. You may have to say, “I know honoring your son, dad, brother, etc. in this way is very important to you, but at this time, that would be very difficult for me. I will support you and your plans even though I won’t be with you. And know I love you and hope this brings the comfort you are seeking, and I genuinely appreciate you respecting that our needs are different this year”.

What about when the person wanting to do things different than you are your kids?

I would encourage you to talk to everyone individually. Listen to understand their feelings and ask questions – DON’T assume ANYTHING!!

Once you understand the “why” behind their request, you may find ways to help them do what they want. It’s also ok to come together as a family, share what you’ve learned from each person and then discuss ways to find compromises that work for everyone.

Let’s say you have one child who wants to open gifts just like always, one who wants to sleep the day away and another one wants to go to the cemetery but not participate in a family dinner. And then there’s what you want.

My first suggestion is to a see a family counselor who could help guide you all into acceptable solutions.

Part of the answer might lie in asking for help. If you aren’t able to take your child to the cemetery can you ask if it’s ok if someone else takes them? Even if they sit in their car while the child goes to the grave. Is the child old enough to drive themself?

For the child who wants to sleep the day away – can you figure out a way for them to be able to do that? Maybe they are too young to stay alone – is it ok if they come but go back to bed at the house the events are at? And for the one who doesn’t want to participate in the family dinner – how can you respect their desire? Can they stay in their room, or another room if not at home?

Sometimes compromises can’t be reached, and kids (and grownups) have to do things they don’t want to do. It sucks!!! But it’s real life. That’s why it’s so important to find the “gives” when you can, because when you can’t, at least you’ve shown that you tried and hopefully the other person or people know their requests and feelings were heard.

Many times solutions lie outside of the obvious and our brains are too tired to think outside the box. So enlist some trusted people to help come up with a few possible solutions. You don’t have to do any of them – but it might spur some ideas you wouldn’t have had on your own.

Remember, If you want to people to respect your choices, you also have to respect theirs.

Finally, we often discover what we think will be our undoing, is actually worse leading up to the dreaded event, than it actually is on that day. Therefore, having a plan A and a plan B, that allow space for you to change your mind, can eliminate some impending stress.

For example, if you’ve said you won’t be attending the big family dinner, but wake up the morning of, and actually don’t feel like a bulldozer plowed you over, and decide that you don’t want to be alone, make allowances ahead of time for those changed feelings.

Let your friends or family know that you might decide to show up at the last minute, but that right now, you aren’t sure how you will feel, and that you’d like to have the option to change your mind. And if you just can’t show up empty handed, have something at home that’s an easy addition, like a bottle of wine, soda, a frozen pie, a loaf of tasty bread or a pre made appetizer tray of cheeses. But nothing that is going to add pressure to you attending. The whole point is to be kind to yourself and to eliminate stress – not add to your overworked brain and body.

But what if the opposite happens and you had planned to attend an event and wake up that day and can barely get out of bed? Plan for that as well.

Let others know you intend to come, but if you feel that you just can’t make it, you’d appreciate knowing that they will respect your choice and not try to pressure or guilt you into showing up. And that to ensure that no one is left holding the bag, you won’t agree to bring anything that would negatively impact the gathering if you aren’t there.

Truth be told, we really don’t know how we will feel on any given day, but we can plan according to how we are feeling today. And sometimes, not having to make a firm decision NOW, can lower your anxiety and alleviate a lot of the impending stress your are feeling.

Grief is fluid. It changes and it morphs and we have to learn to be able to change with it – whether others understand or not. Our job is not to get them to “get it”, our job is to be true to ourselves, remind us and them that we are doing the best we can, and to stick to our guns when we share our plans and decisions. Hopefully, others will begin to respect us and to realize that they have no idea what we are feeling and trying to cope with.

Period.

Your job is to do you.

Their job is to try to be empathetic, but whether they are or not – you must be true to yourself! And sometimes that involves kindly and respectfully saying no.

If you are struggling with how to handle the holidays – I’d encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

How do I feel about this approaching Holiday – am I dreading it with every pore of my being or does it feel ok this year?

What can I do to manage the anticipated challenges I’m afraid I’ll be facing?

What are healthy ways I can cope with my pain as I get through this season?

How can I be respectful of others, and how they want to celebrate, that is different than what I want or need to do?

Where do I need to mange my own expectations, accept what I am feeling and advocate on my behalf?

Last, ask yourself who you need to share this information with so that your plans won’t negatively impact theirs.

As I said earlier. We all have different ways of coping with our loss but all of us need to enact Self care during the Holidays, but especially when we are grieving.

Accepting our feelings, making a plan, notifying those necessary and honoring different choices, can allow for a more manageable time during a most difficult season.

Regardless of what you do or don’t do during the Holidays- experience your feelings – they have a purpose and neglecting them won’t make your pain any more tolerable.

So give yourself some time. Create emotional margins. Allow time to process your emotions, time to do what feels best for you and time to figure this journey out. None of this is easy but it’s critical to making it through each difficult season we face.

And remember – you don’t have to do this by yourself. Reach out to those who can relate to your pain. You were never meant to carry this alone ❤️ and there are others who want to help you, just as others helped them.

We want to share what we’ve learned so that maybe, just maybe, we can make your journey a teeny tiny bit easier, as you put the broken pieces of your life back together again.

One thing I know with certainty is that you will never know for sure how the holidays will feel from year to year, and the best thing you can do is to learn to anticipate the un-anticipated. Sounds crazy I know – but you will begin to understand your triggers, your mood swings and you’ll learn what works for you.

You’ll also start to see that what was helpful one year may not be the next. But somehow, you just figure it out and you get better at navigating your own emotions, as well as sharing them with others who need to know.

I realize that may not sound helpful and might even seem a little vague – but it’s the truth. You really do become an expert at YOUR grief.

Be patient with yourself, know you’ll be all over the place emotionally and know that others have and do feel the same, but eventually we all figure things out!!

As always, from my broken and reassembled heart,

Berkley